Anxiety launched me into my best life. I have a feeling that you just scrunched your nose up and probably just let out an audible “huh?” after reading that statement. Listen to me when I tell you… you read that right and yes it is true. Just hear (or read) me out….
Anxiety: A word often thrown to the wind as casually as an autumn leaf falls from a tree on a dark October day.
Webster’s dictionary describes Anxiety as the following:
1. apprehensive uneasiness or nervousness usually over an impending or anticipated ill
2. an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physical signs (such as tension, sweating, and increased pulse rate), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it
As a person who has had Anxiety since the moment my infant eyes opened, I can tell you…. Anxiety is much more than Mr. Webster divulges. Anxiety is paralyzing and debilitating. Just the mere fact that I see this word in the text above capitalized, my chest feels tight and I feel my heart begin to race. How can one word… Four syllables… cause such tremendous dysfunction in the human body?
Anxiety is much more than feeling nervous about traveling or giving a presentation at work. It is much more than worrying about whether or not you will get that job.
In fact, anxiety (I am no longer allowing this word to have any unnecessary power in this read. It will only be capitalized when the laws of grammar require.) shows its ugly face to everyone differently. I can only tell you my experiences and feelings.
Here is what anxiety means to me……….
Anxiety is the shadow that follows me through every day of my life. Anxiety is the butterflies that live deep in my stomach that never show up on the X-ray. It is the feeling that my entire body is being wrapped tightly in Saran Wrap when I am sitting in a room full of people. It is the feeling of a good sized baby elephant sitting on my chest when my children are anywhere but by my side. It is the feeling of a vice tightening around my chest while the giant hands of the world’s strongest man squeeze my head like a zit while sitting on an airplane. It is realizing that I, all of a sudden, have two 100 pound sand bags for legs when it is my turn to …. Well … do anything! Anxiety is my fear of failure, my overwhelming insecurities, and my inability to control everything and anything in my life.
When I was a child, I was always labeled by friends and family members as being ‘sensitive’ or ‘touchy’. I always had stomach issues or was sick with some sort of cold or flu. Even as a child, anxiety was attacking my body and beginning to wear me down. But, as a child, I had no idea of what anxiety was. I had never even heard the word and if I did, I am sure that I would not have known what it meant. All I knew was that I was always scared of everything and always felt that something bad was going to happen to me or someone that I loved.
Anxiety became the biggest road block in my life. It was literally a hurdle in front of me that I never had the strength or courage to jump. Doctors and Therapists kept telling me it was from an imperfect childhood. Well, what would constitute a perfect childhood? I don’t believe it exists. All I knew was this constant gnawing in my gut and butterflies in my chest was textbook ‘Anxiety’. And that is all I needed to know. “So…. How do I fix this?” was my question to many doctors. Their remedies all included two pills a day taken with food. Not knowing any different, I followed doctor’s orders. After a few weeks of taking medication, I wasn’t feeling quite as anxious anymore. In fact, I wasn’t feeling much of ANYTHING anymore. I was a zombie! I lead this lifestyle of numbing my feelings with medication until the forces of the Universe took matters into their own hands and literally threw me down the steps and into reality!
One beautiful Saturday afternoon, I was enjoying a little league game with my husband. It was a Championship game and they won!
Yay! At the end of the game, we began to make our way down the stadium bleachers. That, my friends, was the beginning of the end. My left leg slipped off the bleacher step and hit a sharp peg underneath. I nearly severed the vein in my leg. But, here is the best part!.... I was shooting blood from the new hole in my shin in rhythm with my heart beat and didn’t even know it! Apparently it was quite the site because it caught the attention of a friend who happened to be a magical nurse! She wrapped my leg as I began to go into shock. It was recommended by a few people that we call an ambulance as it appeared as though I may bleed to death. Hell no! Not here! Not today! I was not about to ruin this moment for these kids and steal the spotlight by being loaded up and rushed out in an ambulance! I don’t care if they do promise to turn the lights and siren on! I was NOT about to go out like that!
As I slowly healed from my wounded leg and bruised ego, I began to realize that medication was not the remedy for me. I took myself off all of my anxiety medications and decided that I needed to beat this demon a different way. Life was going to happen whether I was ready or not. Problems were going to arise and I couldn’t hide from them. Life was going to throw me constant curve balls and I couldn’t keep throwing pills at them hoping to keep them away. I realized that my anxiety was part of me. It is part of my chemical makeup. It is Who I Am and I needed to accept that and learn ways to cope. My name is Roseanne and I have anxiety.
So, how did anxiety launch me into my best life? I finally realized that my anxiety was never going to go away and that it was up to ME to accept that and to manage it. I started researching anxiety and found so many techniques that became tools for me to manage my anxiety. Those tools became healthy obsessions for me to live my best life. And those obsessions catapulted me into building a business to help others cope with their anxiety and to live their best lives. My business became my tool shed that holds my best tools for coping with my anxiety.
xo,
Roseanne
The Soul & Skin Sista
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